my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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