Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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