People in love make me want to vomit
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I can't put those talents on a resume
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize
