I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Just bought the plane tickets. Light headed. Blood rush to clit oh god blue clit. Mayday mayday vagina down!
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
