i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
Randomize
