Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
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