the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
Randomize
