he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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