I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
