Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
