if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
