God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
And then she said we stopped for a train and i tried crawling out the back window.. again, i dont remember this.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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