if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
Randomize
