no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
just used a blowie as payment for him having to take the dog out to let her poop.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
