ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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