i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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