Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Randomize
