i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I will pee on everything he values.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Randomize
