I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
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