My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
