Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
There r osticjed everywhere
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
Randomize
