o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Apparently 151 is to me what spinach is to popeye.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
