Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
Randomize
