apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
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