You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
