i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
Randomize
