just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
