I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
