Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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