Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Finals drinking + forgeting you had to take your ambien because you work at 6am mid paper= drunk logic which then entails going on a "detox" run. Puking your guts put in the field house bushes while some random guy says to you "its okay. We're marching on."
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I shouldn't be allowed to be in america for NYE... or any major holiday for that matter
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
