Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
