On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes
I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition
I cannot find my penis.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Randomize
