so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
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