when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
