Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?
by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
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