and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
