remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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