okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
dude, where did you go? french fries taste like numbers
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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