Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
