My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
she told me i tasted like america
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
Pants are for mortals
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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