Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
