CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
How do I say "I still wanna hook up w you but I don't wanna see your penis via text ever again" through a snapchat
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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