i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
is it fun? or sober?
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
