It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
Randomize
