We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
