First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
