I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
I just forgot I was standing up.
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
