I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
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