I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he just chased his shot of tequila with a chicken nugget.. either its a canadian thing or hes wasted
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
