I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
He has the fingertips of a God
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
