I want to walk on stilts...naked
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Randomize
